For some reason there has been a wave of broken hearts that has been sweeping through my friends. I don't know if something is in the water or Venus is in purgatory or some such nonsense, but whatever the reason, some of my dear friends are hurting. And though I do not currently share that agony, it does not take much to recall those feelings. As many of you know, if you've felt it once, you never forget it. So, dear hearts, this letter is for you.
Dear Broken Heart,
Nothing I can say will ease any of the pressure in your chest. The end result will still be the same. I keep thinking, what would I have liked to hear? The answer is: nothing. I just wanted my heart back in one piece. I wanted the silences to stop being so effing loud. I wanted to stop hearing the pity in peoples' voices and stop seeing the "understanding" in peoples' eyes. I wanted to be left alone...yet I didn't want to BE alone.
It didn't make me feel any better to hear about others' experiences, that it takes time, or that I just needed to go through it (which is all true, and you knew that already). Whether they understood it or not, the heart that was breaking was still MINE not theirs and it was a constant ache. They got to go home and get a good night sleep and I received the acute pleasure to stare at the ceiling asking myself all the dozens of questions that got me into such a predicament. What did I do wrong? How could I have not seen this coming? If I saw it coming, how could I not stop it? Did this person not love me after all? How could he be such a [insert vile and graphic expletive here]? You drive yourself crazy with questions that no one can or will answer.
No one can tell you when you'll be able to breathe again or when you'll start only thinking of him/her once in a blue moon instead of once every moment. No one can tell you when you'll feel whole again. And I'm deeply sorry for that.
Now, before you start leaving demonic comments about how depressing I am and how I'm not helping, here's the good part; what I believe with my whole heart:
You. Will. Heal.
I won't insult you by trying to tell you how to "fix" what's broken and I'd flip the bird to anyone who thinks they could.
But I will tell you a few things I did that made my life just a little more bearable. This is the conversation that I had with myself and continue to have everytime I get a love puncture:
-I gave myself bad days...but never three in a row. Sometimes you need a pity party. Sometimes you need to eat an entire cheesecake and watch Gilmore Girls from start to finish. And that's ok. You are allowed to not take a shower, stay in your snoopy pajamas and sing and cry to the Titanic soundtrack. You can do these things. BUT you CANNOT judge yourself or punish yourself afterwards. You made the choice. You embraced that. So own it. But do not dwell too long. I find that any more than three days and it becomes masturbatory. Then you are just wading in your own waah-waah's and preaching woe is me. You are better than that. You love yourself more than that. And if you don't at this moment, know that I do. Call me. I am excellent at distraction and doing or saying stupid shit that will give you a five minute break from yourself. Which brings me to...
-I kept only healthy people around and removed everyone else. Keep only those that listen and love. The ones that are patient and can gauge whether you need to be listened to for the 750th time or when you are just being masochistic and need to motivate yourself. Which brings me to...
-I stayed away from (most) temptation that wouldn't normally be there had I been emotionally sound. Anyone or anything you try to make a substitute will NOT be enough. Other man-cubs will not fill the void. Repeated drunken nights of debauchery will only make you fat and hate yourself. Stay away from texting, sexting, social media stalking, or saying the words "I miss you" or "maybe someday" to your ex. This is harsh but...if they wanted you, nothing would stop them from being with you. "Someday" would be today. And f*$k. You are worth fighting for. If, for whatever reason (often it is his/her own self standing in their own way) they walk away that is their deficiency and their problem. They may say they still love you, but what you need to translate in your head is them saying "I want YOU to still love ME". Even if that might not be true, you need to hear it. Because "maybes" and "somedays" will halt all healing. You will wait. Forever. and they will never be ready. They will find other people to distract them from reaching their potential but you CANNOT stunt your own. So stay away from their photos and messages. If you worry that they wont miss you...don't. THEY WILL MISS YOU. I guarantee it. You are unforgettable. You are special. I know this because you are my friend. They will always look better on facebook and instagram than they look in real life. Hell, I constantly make my life look like I'm the queen of Sheba. It's great marketing. But they are never as pristine as they look. And all you will do is make up stories in your head about some semi-pretty feline woman standing next to them at a premiere and you will make it ten times more awful than it is. Do not do that to yourself.
-Run. like physically. Not only is the endorphin release nice, but it helps you sleep better. The right music blasting in your ears and the harder you run takes a little of the edge off.
- Allow all feelings. Even the hurtful and shameful ones. Miss the person you broke up with. If you let the feelings happen and let them stretch to every part of your body, you can let them go. I held on so tight to mine and shied away from others, and the result was that I'd have random and uncontrollable emotional outbursts that even shocked the shit out of me. You could be in a grocery store weeping over York peppermint patties and potted plants if you aren't too careful. ...yep. dont ask. But seriously, them feels will come out whether you like it or not. Repression leads to the "feels" leaking out all over the place when you really need them not to.
-Date your own damn self. Treat yourself really well. Be kind to yourself. Blame or self flagellation will get you nowhere but in a deeper ditch. Learning to be alone again is hard enough when you AREN'T calling yourself names. Besides, those shoes you've wanted for months will help adorn you in war paint and make your step just a little more powerful. Power is your friend.
- And finally....Pray. I know, I know. You are rolling your eyes and saying "here she goes getting all jesus-centric on me" but this is truth and fact. When all your friends have tired of listening, when your family thinks you should be over this by now, when you are up at three am feeling helpless and lost...pray. He is the one who never stops listening, never leaves, and is that solid ground that you so desperately are searching for again.
Someday someone is going to CHOOSE you. Because that's what real relationships are; a choice. Love may hit you like a ton of bricks or like a slow warmth of a sunrise but the staying power, commitment, trust, and loyalty...that is a choice. One we make daily. A friend once wrote me about a mother telling her daughter's fiance, "From the moment you put that ring on her finger, there is no one better, brighter, more talented, more beautiful, more caring, more exemplary, more anything than her, because let me tell you, if you look for it, you will find it! And she will find better than you! But the fact that you are committed to each other means that there is no one better, you will help each other become better, you will make each other more than all the other things you see that you might think you want when things get hard. She is your queen! She is your supermodel! She is your everything! And you are hers!"
So, dear friend, I wish that for you. When all the blood, sweat, and tears of this heart break becomes an echo, I pray for that. For you and me both.
Until then...you know my number.
