Awareness is always the first step to advancement, but what do you do after that? I am now aware that this place is not my home. I know who I am. I like who I am. I know what I want but how do I get what I want? There is a constant nagging feeling of inadequacy that is magnified here. It is nearly impossible to look around and not see all that I am missing.
It works for some. My roommate now is one of my dearest friends. There is no one like her in the entire world. She fills herself up with light and hope and love and then sends it out into the world without a care as to whether or not it will be accepted or rejected. She says hello to drug dealers the same way she greets the upper east side riche. She will give you whatever it is you need but she manages to never be taken advantage of. She is the girl who has me water coloring and drinking champagne on a Sunday just because she happens to have a bottle of bubbly in the fridge. This is the kind of person that NYC can't touch. It magnifies her eccentricities and she rolls right along with it.
I am not of that ilk. And I don't mind. Yes, I often wish I could be that free with my heart but I'm afraid I have to work a little harder to obtain that light. But sometimes I get there.
I gave myself the month of March and May to be with my parents. I was comforted and well looked after. I perhaps gave myself too much isolation as it was very difficult this week to be back around people. I find I do well on my own with only my parents to talk to. I like being loved unconditionally because I trust them. I do not feel this often here.
And yet, NYC is a place I will always be fond of. It is a place where my hopes and dreams began. It is a place of possibilities and disappointments but above all it is a place to feel something. Apathy is the death to life. To feel nothing is to avoid living. My hermetic tendencies makes me long to live my life in solitude where no one can hurt me, embarrass or humiliate me. But NYC draws me into life. You have no choice. You either jump on the train or get run over. Or move out. I am doing my best to ride the train until I move out. And then I hope to find an adventure that suits me better.
While home in WA I did a lot of hiding, but I did a lot of healing too. For once I disregarded that voice screeching in my ear that said "BE SOMEONE! DO SOMETHING! MAKE A MARK! BE WORTHY!" and instead listened to that quiet voice that softly spoke of dreams that I was too embarrassed or sensitive to embrace: the ones that would break my heart if I voiced them and they didn't come true. They surprised me in their simplicity and made me feel helpless in that I had very little control over them. It is then that I have come closer to God.
Now, now. Don't get in a huff in thinking that I'm about to get all Jesus-centric on you. All I'll say is this, I have never felt more helpless in my life but in all the times when I lost control, I have always come through by no means of my own. I am watched over and have no reason to be embarrassed by my dreams because they are valid and if they are for me, God will provide. I am enough of whatever I am and what is mine will come.
So be brave in voicing your dreams. Don't be ashamed by them. They are your heart's whisper of happiness. You've a right to be happy.
Here is one of mine:
A little house by the sea sits happily on its hill. The wrap around porch provides a view of sunsets and summer scenes. French doors on the second floor open to a master bedroom with a king size bed and built in bookcases all filled with old literature that smell like home. Squeegie, the wee little bulldog trips over his feet as he scrambles to greet you good morning. You lightly pad barefoot down the stairs as to not wake the children and greet me in the kitchen with a warm kiss and a smile. I made coffee and have already finished the arts section of the NY Times. I open the sliding glass door to let in the salty air and smell of the sea and we take a moment holding hands to look out at the waves and be grateful for how lucky we are. We know where it came from and who it is for.
Later we will finish the laundry and get the kids off to school. I will pick up the littlest from ballet after my charity event and drop her off at Grandma's before I go to the theatre for my call. You will pick up the boy who has your smile and sign him up for soccer after work. We juggle our lives. We fight. We make up. We make it work. We laugh a lot.
We have a trip booked for Prague via London this Autumn. I can't wait. The kids are staying with my parents and we've worked hard to earn this time alone. We'll treat them to Disneyland next year now that they'll be old enough to remember it.
We keep our personal hobbies but always make time for each other. I horse back ride, fence, and do archery when I can and the kids join me occasionally on the weekends.
But on Sunday evenings, after they have all gone to bed, that is when the time is mine. I sit in my office and write. Whatever comes to mind hits the page and there is a calmness in my spirit. A contentment not to be misconstrued with complacency. I am challenged in my life but I am not afraid because You are with me. And I am loved.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declare the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
