I don't know about you but this winter?...the struggle is real.
It is that time of year that makes you want to hibernate and wrap yourself in a security blanket of solitude so the big bad world doesn't freeze your heart. I mean, what kind of joke is it that you follow the hype of the holidays with freezing temperatures, slow audition seasons, taxes, AND a Seahawks Super Bowl loss? And don't even get me started on February. Now there's a month that should never happen. Mercury's in Retrograde, I get the flu, Valentine's Day, etc. I have yet to have a February that didn't completely blow chunks. I sort of just squeeze my eyes shut like when I'm watching a horror film and pray for it to be over.
After coming off of the year of "Too Much," I have had an extra hard time finding motivation to do, well, anything. I look back at 2014 and feel both proud and disappointed at what I had accomplished. I did a Shakespeare festival, finished writing a short film, ran a 1/2 marathon, had five other jobs, and produced 13 shows. On paper that feels pretty good. Then why do I feel so incredibly dissatisfied?
And then I realized....I don't have a life.
I don't just "hang out." I don't date often. I don't have a hobby that is unrelated to my career. I schedule in sleep. This was well and good for my 20s when I thought I had to BE somebody. But now...
My priorities are shifting in a way I never expected. Suddenly my family is not just important, they are EVERYTHING. And I can't wait to be nearer to them. I realize that most of the friends that I can call my chosen family are not where I live. They are scattered all around the world and I spend most of my time missing them and corresponding through xmas cards and silly Youtube videos. I don't want that. My body is slowing down, my patience growing thin, and I find that I no longer have tolerance for other peoples' judgment.
Life is a balance. One that I've never managed well. I either fill it too full or...nope. That's it. I fill it with work. I fill it so full that I don't have to notice how much I'm missing my family or friends. I fill it so I don't realize what I don't have or what I haven't achieved. I fill it so I don't have to think about past regrets or present disappointments. I fill it so I don't feel lonely.
I always thought that deep down the universe followed a rule: If you work hard, you will succeed.
I would take that to the extreme. Last year there were weeks when I put in 15 hour days and then ran 5 miles. I would fund raise in the morning, rehearse Shakespeare in the afternoon, and go to the gym at night. And you know what that gets you? Tired. No matter how hard I worked, I never got to the level of success that I wanted. It was never enough. And I was tired. Not just my body. My spirit. And the only thing that really fills you back up that way...is love. For yourself, from yourself and the people who see you. Those people who REALLY see you and love you.
So after the holidays I did something I hadn't done in years: I sat still. I did nothing. I pushed for nothing, choking down the panic of what I might be missing, and I waited. I said to myself; Self, you keep taking jobs you don't want, working with people you can't stand because you think it'll help you Down the Road. But there is no Down the Road. The road is now. You don't want to be this tired all the time for a road that never ends. You better start slowing down and learn to rest. And for God's sake you better start figuring out what you actually want instead of all the things you Don't want.
So. Here's an exercise for y'all. I dare you. Write down the things you really want that have nothing to do with career. I know, it's daunting. Don't throw a hip out or anything. Keep it simple. What do you want?
I want to travel. New Orleans, Prague, Paris, London.
I want a tan.
I want a family and a home. ***
I want an English Bulldog named Squeegie and a Labrador named Tomorrow.
I want to learn to ride a horse.
I want to fence.
I want to be healthy: mind, body, spirit.
I want to finish reading Comte de Monte Cristo in French. And Picture of Dorian Gray in English (I have been trying for four years.)
I want to publish a book.
I want to be debt free.
I want to help people.
I want to pray more.
There. That wasn't so hard was it? So this year instead of prodding, attacking, pushing, maneuvering, and running, I am going to work on this list. I am going to work on forgiving, accepting, asking, praying, and living a life outside of career.
Because I'm too young to be this old.
